The above panel at the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, DC, reads: "I am not an advocate for frequent changes in laws and constitutions, but laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind. As that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as new discoveries are made, new truths discovered and manners and opinions change, with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also to keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors."
-- to Samuel Kercheval, July 12, 1810
We’ve covered a lot of ground in these pages, and it can be difficult to sort through all of it. However, when one discovers homosexuality as their own personal reality, the word "difficult" takes on a whole new meaning.
For some people it starts in their teens around issues of attraction to the opposite gender. “I’m not right. I don’t feel like my friends do.” And then the fear starts. “Am I gay? What’s going to happen to me if I am? What are my friends going to say? My family? Can my dad and mom deal with this? The kids at school are going to make fun of me. What’s college going to be like? Will I have to hide this from my roommate…maybe I can change. I don’t want to do this. Are they going to want me around church any more? I like my minister. I want to get married and have children like everyone else. This can’t be happening.”
But if it is happening to you—and you‘re discovering that you actually are gay—your life has just changed, whether you want it to or not. It can actually work out just fine, but that can be hard to see at first. Getting some support can help.
If, however, this is not happening to you but to someone you know and love, it becomes your turn to figure out how to cope with homosexuality. Try as you might, and whatever your motivation, it's very unlikely that you’re going to be able to change what is happening to your friend or family member. (Just ask the people who have tried.) Most likely you’ll either have to adjust to what is happening or risk watching them gradually cut you out of their life. If they are your child, remind yourself that when you had children you signed up for a lot of unknowns. Now is the time to show up for your children. They need you.
If this does happen to you as a parent, try to rein in your own anxiety and tell your child that you’ll be with them as they—or both of you—figure things out. Tell them you love them either way and that things are going to work out ok, and then get help for yourself. Talk to other parents and friends of gay people and find out how they came through it. Read the PFLAG booklet listed at the top of this page and see a therapist or gay affirming minister if you need to. Offer the same help to your child.
If your Bible is important to you, you’ll either have to figure it out or just accept that you've found another confusing topic in scripture. Don't get lost in the ancient history spelled out here and elsewhere so much that you lose the big picture. The Pharisees in the Bible were good at talking about details (tithing spices?), but Jesus was good at talking about the big picture. (He summed up the entire law and prophets in two sentences.) In any case you don’t have to let a few verses—some of which were written more than 2,000 years ago about people who do not sound like your son or daughter—steal what is important to you. After all, your child isn’t an adult running around in a Roman toga looking for a sexual relationship with an underage person or having incest with family members like others in the ancient world. She or he just wants to find a life of love and relationship, and some self esteem.
Yes, now it becomes your turn to deal with "what is". The Bible says that we see some things “dimly” in the present day, but you can see with clarity the person in front of you whom you love. Don’t let fear of the unknown drive you into rejecting them. If necessary, deal with the complexities of an ancient Bible and update your faith.
The bottom line—a humane response
It’s been important to go point by point through this discussion to address common concerns about homosexuality. It's helpful to resolve the various hesitations we have about such a profound phenomena. However, I am of the opinion that only two questions actually need be answered by all of us about homosexuality.
Circling back to the beginning of this site, the first question is: "Do we really think that homosexuality is a choice?"
As already stated, in April, 2021 NBC News reported that “ gay and bisexual youths are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide as their straight peers.” This should say something loud and clear to us about how genuinely these youth have found themselves unable to change.
Also, many of the people who started organizations to help gay people become "ex-gay" have closed them amidst apologies for the harm they have caused. A new crop of these organizations has arisen in the wake of their demise, but they are unlikely to be successful either, in my opinion. There are millions of gay people around the world who would rather have married the opposite gender and had families if they could. Do their circumstances and their voices not convince us? Do we really think it’s reasonable to ignore them and blame them for being gay and unable to change? I think not. In fact, I believe there is some shame for many of us in not believing our own people.
Getting historical thought in perspective... Why did the term “homosexuality” only originate in the 1860’s? Why not earlier? |
Answering this question about choice doesn’t really require a trip to the Bible to study 2,000-year-old culture-laden texts that are hard to understand. If the Bible appears to differ from the voices of all the gay people around the world about their lack of choice in the matter of sexual orientation, especially given the reasons they have for wanting to change, then it is up to us to question our conclusions about the verses being examined and reconsider the expectations we bring to the ancient text of the Bible--namely that it will adequately address our modern concept of sexual orientation, something that did not exist until well after the Bible was written. This is one of those cases in which our present reality should be convincing enough for us. After all, we did not have to search the Bible to learn that the sky is blue—it is self-evident.
If you wonder why some of us are so resistant to accept the presence of a homosexual orientation in our midst, I think it is because it is not what we expected from life, and we don’t like it. (We’re not alone, after Jesus’ triumphant entry into Jerusalem his disciples didn’t get what they expected either as they essentially saw him “lynched” publicly by a jeering mob.) We don’t like to be disappointed and we don’t like life to be complicated or messy, and homosexuality is definitely both. We also fear anyone who is different than ourselves, and label them as wrong and bad, or even evil, even if they cause no actual harm to the rest of us.
In addition, we don’t like things that challenge our worldview (just ask Galileo) so we stubbornly deny facts right in front of us. Unfortunately, we as humans are good at denial. Even in modern times we twist history and don’t record it without significant omissions and false accounts when it pleases us to do that.
This is not actually rocket science…it’s about facing up to what we don’t understand and don’t like. I realize that I am sounding a bit harsh here, but gay people have lived with harshness for far too long, and it's time that some of that intensity is shifted to those who condemn them. Too many gay people have died, and too many suffer today.
The second question is this: "In light of all of this, what is the most humane way we can respond to the presence of homosexuality in the lives of those in our society?" I’ll let you answer that for yourself, but make sure that your response includes love, humility and compassion.
Change is difficult, necessary, and possible
It's true that change is scary and hard, but it doesn't have to be haphazard or erratic. The gay people in your life, and the gay community at large, are going to gradually insist on more civil rights as a greater understanding of homosexuality emerges in society. Set aside your prejudices and open your mind and heart to look at life in a bigger way. The sky truly is not falling.
So why not affirm the gay people in your life and watch those you care for live up to your affirmations? You will be a better person, and happier for doing so. And you’ll get to keep your family.
One last comment: these pages have focused on homosexuality, but it's clear that much of this material is relevant to bisexuality and gender identity (including transgender) concerns. So yes, there is more to learn. (For starters, here's an article on gender formation that is very enlightening.) Fortunately, this whole process can be easier for us if we accept that there will always be more to learn and that we'll never have complete control over our circumstances. However, the good news is that life is still a gift, and better days are coming.
And by the way, thanks for reading all of this! David
The entire site on one page (PDF)
